When I get married, I don't care I'm having morning sex, noon sex, dinner sex, grab the camera let's record sex, make-up sex, holiday sex, after the kids leave for school sex, on break at work sex, quicky sex, bath sex, honey where's the remote sex, neighbors know our name sex, 24/7 sex, hot tub sex, angry sex, pull over on the highway back seat sex, night time in the park touching each other sex, sex on the beach, sex on the plane, kids walk in on us we don't give a fuck sex.
It’s 5AM, and I can’t sleep. This is very unusual for me. I’m feeling strangely spontaneous and restless.
I honestly just came inside about 20 minutes ago. I decided to go night swimming solo, despite the torrential downpour outside right now.
It was honestly so refreshing, not just physically, but mentally too. Sneaking out of the house in the early morning, letting the rain just pour down on me, diving into a pool of warm water, looking all around at me at the beauty of the night. I personally love the night so much more than the day time. It’s so much more thrilling, and unpredictable, and opens up my mind to wandering thoughts that are unable to surface during the day.
Why did I do it?
I’m not 100% sure. I guess it was partially out of boredom. But it was also out of sheer spontaneity. I’m normally such a routine person, so I thought, “well, it’s 4am, so the predictable me would probably just go to bed right now….but I don’t want to be predictable.” I wanted to prove it to myself that I had it in me to step out of bounds and do something totally random for a change. So I basically went skinny dipping in my pool in the pouring rain. It might sound weird, but it was so peaceful and exciting. The rush of doing something totally out of the ordinary kept me going. At first, I just jumped in twice and swam back and forth once and got out, but then when I was still standing on my back porch staring out into the rain, I decided that it wasn’t enough. I was hooked on the thrill of it, and went back in for another 15 minutes or so. I felt so alive… So yeah, there’s my little spontaneous solo act for the day/night. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep now.
I appreciate those who are still keeping up with these things.
Today marked the beginning of my 5th cycle of chemo today, meaning that I have three more sessions left, and will be done by the end of the summer. And honestly? I cannot fucking wait. I am SO over all of this. This whole cancer ordeal. It’s just torture, and getting in the way of a really phenomenal summer. Today’s chemo was probably the worst ever. My usual anticipatory nausea wasn’t as bad so I figured I’d be alright…nope. For the first time ever, I threw up at chemo. To be honest, I’m gagging as I sit here writing about it. The taste of the medicine…the smell of it all…the awful feeling in my stomach…the drowsiness from the meds. I hate it all SO much. It’s the worst imaginable thing right now. I normally try my best to keep it under control and not show weakness, but today was certainly an exception. I could not handle it, any of it, anymore. I cringe at the thought of the next three chemo sessions. I mean other than all that, I’m still doing really great and the treatment is working. I don’t want to come off as ungrateful, because I’m not, I swear. I just could really do without all the bullshit that comes with cancer. Two weeks ago after my last chemo session, I felt the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I can’t even try to explain. I felt detached from reality, physically unable to do anything, mentally drained, and emotionally out of whack. It was awful. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I would NEVER ever wish this disease upon anyone under any circumstances. It’s a brutal experience.
On unrelated topics, this month is turning out to be just as fantastic as I’ve hoped. In the past couple of weeks I’ve spent a lot of time with all of my closest friends. I’m so fucking grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. They truly make it easier to get by. But anyway, I had a really great time at Dorney Park last week with a group of people who I don’t get to see as much, and who also joined me tonight at the midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises this past night which was SO INSANELY INCREDIBLE AHHHHHHHH WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE IT WAS JUST REALLY PERFECT. okay, fanboy rant over. Anyway, my point is, I’ve had some great times and experiences this summer so far and I’m determined to keep it going. This summer is shaping out to be one of my favorites. I like to call it “No Fuck Summer” because I’ve honestly just been doing whatever I want and not caring what other people thing, which is a huge change from my usual personality. I guess I’m just tired of being so predictable and orderly and one-tracked in my routine life. I really love to change it up now and take more chances.
What I’ve come to realize and am still trying to accept is that in the past four or five months, I’ve changed. For certain. Not in such a huge way that I’m totally unrecognizable, but I guess in a big(ish) way. I’ve been far less stressed from how much I normally am, I’m beginning to care less about what other people think of me, I’m becoming much more easy going and willing to go a little off task instead of following a certain schedule or list of things to do exactly as they are. I’m allowing myself to relax and take things a lot more easily instead of letting them affect me so much. I’ve learned to let people go in my life if necessary, sometimes for the best, something that I’ve never been able to do before. I’m definitely stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things, like changing my style a bit. For example, before this summer, I’ve always loved hats but have been afraid to wear them because I never thought I could pull them off, so it was nice to discover that I actually can. That’s the thing: I instantly limit myself to some things, and convince myself that I can or cannot do something. I like that I’m a lot more willing to change and step out and see what’s beyond my comfort zone.
Unfortunately, this change I’m undergoing is putting a strain on a few of my relationships. For starters, it helped me see the unhealthiness of a former relationship with a best friend I’ve known since 8th grade that I’ve only recently stopped talking to. It also helped me realize that I can’t hold myself down to someone who, although is a truly incredible friend and overall human being, I wouldn’t be able to see all the time and actually have a relationship with. It’s helped me see that I’m at the center of a large group of people who’s common denominator is me, which makes it harder for me to see everyone and spend time with each person all the time if we’re not all hanging out. But mostly, it’s helped me see more clearly, and read a lot deeper into my best friends. When I didn’t think we could possibly get any closer, my relationships with a few of my other best friends have grown. Truthfully, my friends are my favorite people.
I’ve always been terrified of change. Afraid of letting go of the familiar. Worried that once I let go of what I know so well, that I’ll lose myself in the unknown of something different. But in reality, it’s okay. It’s okay to change. I’m not saying that we should let go of everything familiar and comfortable to us, because it’s nice to keep those things in our lives to maintain a sense of stability. However, I now strongly believe that trying out things and allowing change into our lives can make us learn so much more about ourselves and help us figure who we really are. From familiarity comes comfort, but from change comes thrill, excitement, transformation. And I think that’s exactly what I’m in the middle of: a transformation. Not necessarily becoming someone totally new, but revealing a huge part of myself that has been missing for so long, and helps me feel whole. For the first time in a while, I’m happy. Content with the life I’m living. And that’s what everyone deserves. So I’m just asking you, try new things. Explore difference. Challenge your routine. You’ll be surprised what you discover.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that The Dark Knight Rises is easily one of the greatest movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Every single department was flawless, every single actor was flawless. It is a complete and unforgettable movie-going experience. I’m disappointed I couldn’t see it in IMAX first, but I will absolutely be going again.