I had to do some things differently today at chemo because it’s getting worse for me. My body and my mind knows what’s coming, so that’s why I always feel nauseous the morning of, even if I really shouldn’t be nauseous. A nurse told me it’s called anticipatory nausea, which makes total sense. So yeah, I had to hold my nose while she sprayed on a numbing agent which smells like iodine. I also had to hold my nose several other times cause the smell would seriously make me wanna vomit. I actually came pretty close today. I only have 4 or 5 more sessions after this, and then I’m done, luckily just in time for school to start. I just can’t wait for it to be over. This hell. It’s wearing me down. And I never feel like myself for the first couple days after chemo. It’s the worst.
Anyway, in other news, nothing too monumental has happened in the past couple weeks. I’ve mainly been working at Pacsun a lot, making a lot of money, since we’re so understaffed. And then I usually hang out with people late at night after work for a few hours. It’s a nice time to just kick back, destress, and enjoy some company.
However, I did just get back from a really fun trip to Pittsburgh with one of my best friends. She had her orientation for Point Park, which I’m so excited about her transferring to in the fall! And then I decided to come along to get things sorted out with those bastards over in financial aid. But anyway, we also did some exploring and took the incline up to Mt. Washington to enjoy a nice nighttime view of the city. I’m glad I came on this trip because it actually made me appreciate Pittsburgh a lot more. I guess it’s finally starting to grow on me.
I’m so excited for my friend’s beach house party in early July! all my best friends AND a few friends from school will be there, so it’s gonna be so freaking epic! :D I’m ecstatic. Can’t wait to just go to the beach, and just relaaaax with all my favorite people. It’s very much needed, and long overdue.
Anyway, that’s pretty much all for now. I hope everyone else is doing well!
And if you’re reading this and wondering where my usual “deep, meaningful life lesson” part of my update is, be sure to check out Part One.
So I’m just sitting here in chemo, feeling sorry for myself, wanting to cry because I’m just tired of it all - the nausea, the needles, the “not like myself” feeling. But then this woman came in who I’ve seen a few times before, and she’s waiting back on her echocardiogram results to determine how treatment has been going for her. Her results are no where to be found, and all she wants to know is Will I be okay? She sits there waiting, anticipating. She begins to cry, and the whole mood of the room changed. She said this is her second time around, she’s had cancer twice. And then there I am, on the verge of tears because I can’t even handle a fraction of what she’s been through. She’s so much stronger than me. I never want to cry again about chemo because of her. There are people who’ve been through this hell and back multiple times, and I’m about to break down on my first.
No - I need to keep going. No matter how horrible the nausea is, no matter how much it hurts when people are constantly poking you with needles and injections week after week. And not just for myself, but that woman and everyone else who’s in this with me. We have to be strong for each other, to encourage each other to keep going.
I can’t even tell you how badly I feel for this woman. She looks fairly young and healthy looking and in shape and has a smile that shows me she’s probably a very genuinely good person. She said, “I do so much to try to stay healthy, and all I can do is hope that it’s enough.” After that, I could see she was beginning to tear up, and she caught me staring at her. We made brief eye contact. In that moment, she understood my pain, and I understood hers. And you know what? She has every single right to cry. It doesn’t make her weak, or overreactive, or overly emotional. It makes her a goddamn human being who just wants some assurance and security in her life, and to just be healthy again. Isn’t that what we all want, too? For God’s sake, someone better get this poor woman her freaking echo results. I’m starting to tear up a bit, but not because I feel like shit right now. I’m crying for her.
ambedo n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life