i was a wimp before tumblr
now i’m a jerk and everybody loves me
Okay, this is really scary and difficult to finally accept & change. But tonight, I think I’ve finally decided what to do with my life. Currently, I am an animation major. Why? Because my whole life, I’ve been an artist, drawing since as young as I can remember. My Pop Pop and both of my sisters taught me. Them, and myself, as I would always watch cartoons when I was young, like Pokemon, and trying to recreate them all on paper. Not to brag, but I was actually very good for my age. I also loved my art classes in grade school, being one of the best in my class. I even won some awards and art contests that I’ve entered. My parents also started me on Disney at an early age, which was great. I fell in love with so many Disney characters and worlds, even pretending that me, my brother, and my cousin were characters in them, specifically the Lion King. I’ve been drawing my whole life, and was sure I wanted to be an art teacher at some point. Once I entered high school, I still wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to major in in college. Not until I took an animation class my sophomore year of high school. I was the best in my class, and excelled, loving every second of it. From that moment on, I was sure what I wanted to major in.
Junior year of high school, I started considering colleges, like all juniors do. I looked at a lot of art schools, but realized that they all required portfolios, with very detailed requirements. I realized that I didn’t really have too much to show, so I had to scramble, finding any pieces of art work worthy enough to submit. And I did. My portfolio actually turned out very well. Thanks to my decision to take an intro to art class my first semester of senior year, which I thought would help refine my art skills. It did, no doubt. Still sure I wanted to major in animation, I applied to University of the Arts, my top choice, and other art schools as well. I also applied to non-art schools, filling out my major as English, another option of mine. I was leaning more toward animation, BUT I was afraid that if I went to a strictly art-based school, I’d feel trapped if I ever wanted to change majors, so, I tried to search for a school that offered both animation and other majors I’d consider. Late senior year, I found out about another school through one of my best friends. Point Park University. I never heard of it before then. But i was thrilled to see they offered both majors, and jumped on the chance to apply as quickly as possible. I did. And I had an interview, and was accepted into their conservatory of performing arts. I was thrilled. Finally. Perfection. So, I made my decision, and was enrolled in Point Park University. Couldn’t be happier. However, I was really debating between that school and the University of the Arts, mainly because UofArts offered me a LOT more money than Point Park. But I thought, hey, I can always pay it back later.
So, I’ve attended Point Park the past year, taking both animation and filmmaking classes, really intrigued by what actually goes into movies. Don’t get me wrong, I really was interested in what I was doing. But once I finally took my first animation class this past semester, I began to feel really out of place and that it all came to everyone else so much more naturally. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t the best in my art class. And I guess it started to finally hit me, maybe I’m not meant for this. I still absolutely love Disney, and animated films, and video games, but, I just don’t know if I want to make them for a career. It’s not the best path for me, I suppose. I’ve honestly been fighting with myself over this for the past year in the back of my head, but was afraid to ever bring it up until recently. It’s a scary thing to realize that what you once were so certain of, so sure of, so destined to do, isn’t what you thought, and isn’t the best choice for you…anymore. I love when people would ask me what I major in, and I tell them animation, and they go, “Oh! That’s so amazing! Wow, that must be fun! I’ve never met anyone in animation before.” It made me feel so special, and proud. But honestly? I can’t stick with animation just because everyone else thinks it’s awesome, right? I need to do what’s best for me.
It’s interesting. This past summer, I happened to meet this kid my age online, by total chance, on twitter. His tweet came up on my newsfeed, saying something along the lines of how he can’t wait to be an animator and work for Disney. I didn’t even know I was following this kid, but for some reason, I saw it at that moment, and jumped on the chance to reply explaining my similar dream to be a Disney animator one day. We’ve been talking ever since, helping and motivating each other along the way. I guess he’s another reason I’ve been trying so hard to stick with this. I didn’t want to let him down. We have so much in common and are practically long lost brothers, both sharing the same dream. However, he’s far more artistic, creative, and talented than I’ll ever be. And I’ve know that for a long time after seeing his artwork. He’s also currently attending a very excellent art school, SCAD, which is perfect for animation, and making contacts with the right people. He’s excelling in his classes, and shaping up to be a fantastic artist, one I hoped I’d be one day. We even both promised we’d both apply to be a part of the Disney College Program, which, by the way, I can still do, even though I’m not going to be an animation major anymore. Turns out they don’t only accept art majors. So, I can still do that if I wish. But anyway, I think it’s important, and fate even, that I met him. Because I honestly believe he’s the “me” I’ve always dreamt of being. Even if I decide to pursue a different career, I can still keep in touch and live my former dream vicariously through him and his undoubtedly upcoming artistic success. And honestly, that’s alright with me. I can live with that.
I guess I’ve also been afraid of letting my family down, and my Pop Pop Havrilla who has passed away in 2006, because they’ve known me my whole life as “the artist” of the family. I just didn’t want to disappoint them. But then it hit me. So many other people have told me I’m other things, too. For instance, my family gave me the nickname “The Professor” when I was about 12 or so, because was so intelligent for my age. I’ve received distinguished honor roll practically my entire life. Everything, in any subject, just came easy to me, so I excelled. And I guess I’ve always been excellent at writing and languages, but never realized it until my 11th grade English teacher and my Spanish teacher told me just how great I really am, and that I should hold on to that talent, because not many people have it. I guess I dismissed it because I was so blinded by my first talent, art. But now that I look back, they were right. I can do so much more, I have other talents. It’s difficult to finally admit, but I suppose that in my life, art is simply a hobby. Sure, I’m good at it, and will keep up with it. But it’s not something that I should make a career out of based on how great I was when I was younger. To be honest, I think I’ve lost some of my artistic spark in the last few years. But hey, it happens.
You see, when I first started having doubts about my major, I panicked. I told myself to never speak of any doubt, to just keep going with it, it’ll pass. But it hasn’t. So, I made myself another deal: just finish out the semester with the animation class, and see how you do. Then, use the summertime to decide, will I stay, or go with something else? However, as you may know, I’ve recently encountered a serious health issue that has unfortunately forced me to take leave for the semester. Just perfect, right? I thought, well, this is just great. Just when I had a plan. I was devastated. Until tonight. It’s all beginning to make sense. I’m not the only one of my friends who’s had doubts. My friend who’s a photography major had a long talk with me a month ago about how he’s not sure what he wants to do anymore with his career. And I found comfort in that, knowing I’m not alone. It was the first time I actually opened up about it. And then another best friend started out in psychology, hated it, switched to business, hated it, and is now a broadcast journalism major at my school in the fall. Tonight, yet another best friend of mine, confided in me saying how she’s not so sure she wants to go with make up design anymore, and wishes to explore something more environmental, and helpful with people with disabilities or just younger children in general. I guess third time really is the charm, because honestly, I felt SO relieved when she told me that. It was the last push I needed. I’ve decided, it’s okay to change your mind. Everyone does it. So, I discussed with her and my other friend my doubts, and they were very supportive of me. I’m thrilled. Because I feel like a huge weight’s been lifted. I can finally move on. Since I’m a firm believer in the concept “everything happens for a reason,” I’ve decided that this sudden setback with my health was a huge wake up call, not only to help me realize just how fragile life is and all the people you love in it, but it also gave me time to really step back from schoolwork, and just think, and reconsider, and safely doubt in the comfort of my own home, and come to this much needed revelation.
My new major/career path? Well, my other talents include: a knack for learning languages quickly, writing (both creative and expositive), editing (I really have discovered I love editing together videos, pictures, clips, etc.), and helping others resolve their personal problems. So why not utilize them all? Luckily, there is an international studies major at Point Park, so the good thing is, I don’t have to change schools. Because I love everyone I’ve met there, and feel like I fit in. Anyway, there is also journalism (writing), multimedia (editing), and psychology (understanding and helping others). Therefore, I can major in international studies, and then minor in any of the others. I’m leaning more toward a minor in psychology though. That way, no matter what, I can honestly do it all. I absolutely love languages, and wish to travel the world and study other cultures, as well as help people and write about my experiences along the way. I can do so much more! It gives me the sense of freedom I’ve been waiting for this past year. But now, I can finally have it. Does this mean I’ll completely ignore my artistic abilities? Absolutely not. I can still draw in my notepads and sketchbooks, but at my leisure, and develop my skills on my own time and in my own way. I really do feel incredible about all of this, and can’t wait to actually make it happen. It’s going to be annoying process, but i’ll be worth it. Another plus to all of this is that when I switch majors, the tuition fees will go down, and I’ll be eligible to receive a lot more financial awards and scholarships, lessening the financial burden that’s also been burning a whole in my head for the past year or more. So, in the end, this will all work out for the best. I’ll be healthy again by fall, and put this plan to action. And I. Can’t. Wait. So, to wrap this all up, I feel like I’m making a lot of progress, finally feeling right about all of this college stuff, which, by the way, is very stressful for people my age. After all, we’re still only kids, trying to figure out what we want from this world. We’re bound to change our minds along the way, right? Better now than later. Finally. A sense of relief. Hope. Freedom. Revelation.
so i finished Catching Fire and Mockingjay in the past couple days, and wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from them both.
“Don’t worry. I always channel my emotions into my work. That way I don’t hurt anyone but myself.” pg. 253
“When you’re in the arena, you just remember who the enemy is.” pg. 260
“Thinking like yourprey…that’s where you find their vulnerabilities.” pg. 66
“Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” pg. 156
“A need for revenge can burn long and hot. Especially if every glance in a mirror reinforces it.” pg. 320
“We’re fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction.” pg. 379